Sunday, February 3, 2013

Day 34 - Bedside

The view from my pillow is Emiliana's crib. She never sleeps in it. I doubt she will for quite a while. You see, we aren't really a crib kinda family. We are a baby sleeps with mama family.  You sleep so much better when you are cuddled up with me and your milk supply. 

When Esther was first born, I had no idea what co-sleeping was. After several weeks of exhausting nights ... days where I literally cried as night approached because no matter how much I nursed, rocked, sung, you would wake up 2seconds to 20 minutes after I laid you down. 

One exhausted night, I fell asleep with you as I nursed you. The next thing I knew, Esther & I awoke rested from a whole nights sleep to a bright sun-risen new day. 

Every since then, baby stays with me. It's where you belong, close to me, where you were for the first 9 months of your existence in my womb ...  it has since become bizaare to me that we expect a baby to be content in a cold, strange crib, so different from the warmth of their mother, whose heart beat they have listened to their whole lives. 

So Esther, Rachel, Joel & now Emiliana, you stay close with me as infants, until you are ready, in your time, to move to a bed. 

Saturday, February 2, 2013

Week 6 Themes

Day 33 - Repetition

It has dawned on me lately why we must repeatedly go through the same challenges. It's by repetition, by facing the same challenges again and again, that God slowly, mercifully transforms our hearts & pulls us closer to Jesus. 

When I was a mother of a 2 year old the first time, it was hard, and we survived, but it was confusing and I felt helpless, trying every piece of parenting advice, every expert book to navigate through this age. I cried a lot. I shouted too much. My heart wept and lifted itself to God a whole whole lot.

. When I was the mother of a 2 year old the second time, I was much more tender, but still lacking in some grace. I was frustrated, irritated, but I had been there, done that, tried not to take it personally. 

Now I am a mother of a 2 year old for the third time, I look at that little guy in the corner, flailing angry fists refusing to have 'time out' and my heart is a little warmed with compassion, because I have learn to empathize. 

I know how hard it is. How confusing it is. How challenging the battle against self is. The fight against flesh and desire. To control those raging emotions that somehow, you can't quite form the right words to communicate. 

I am a better mother than I was 7 years ago. I know this is true. I can see how much I have grown in Christ in these 7 years as a mother. I am 99% away from being anywhere near perfect... I have touched a mere drop in an ocean.

I praise God that I He keeps blessing me with Children so that I reface the same challenges, and learn to love deeper, more abundantly and with more grace & peace that comes from my sweet Jesus.

Day 32 - You Today ...

I suppose the theme of this blog is supposed to be about ME. Your mommy. But instead I shall talk about you ... today. Today you decided to paint. You painted you hand, your nose. Then you decided to eat the paint. 

We looked over and you began to make a coughing sounds. We quickly cleaned you up and encouraged you that paint was not for eating. However, you did continue to try to eat it. I can't imagine it tasted too good. 

Day 31 - Grow

Emiliana Squashed Banana 
Emi - Pie
Emi - Lu

You are growing to fast. You are so sweet and tender. This week, you started smiling so big. Especially when you saw daddy. Your eyes just lit up with joy. 

I love the soft cooing and I hold you close to breath in your familiar baby scent, and it soothes me. 

Esther & Rachel always say ... 

" I wonder what Emi will look like when she is our age? "
" What will Emi look like when she is two like Joel?" 
"When will she be big enough to share our room?" 

They think you are the cutest baby in the world. I have to agree. 

Joel loves you with all his little heart. I am not sure you think so sometimes because his love is a hard, rough boy love. That of harsh kisses, squeezes that squeeze a little too much. 
But he adores you and in the morning, when you wake he runs in and says ... 

"Squash banana awake??? Can I hold her? I want to kiss her!!!"